Monday, March 7, 2011

Catch Me If You Can Blogfest

Happy Monday, everyone! Hope your week is starting off great and for those of you on Spring Break, I hope you are having a fun, relaxing time.

We've got something new today, which I'm really excited for. Nocturnal Readings is participating in the Catch Me If You Can Blogfest hosted by Kristina at Kay Kay's Corner. Yay!

The rules are simple. Today, March 7th 2011, participants leave a sample of 550 words or less of their current WIP on their blog. On the 7th and the 8th, we'll be hopping around leaving comments on the samples writers have posted. The point is to simulate catching an agent's attention. How many times have writers heard that if an agent isn't interested within the first few pages, you will be thrown into the evil rejection pile?

So today, we're testing that out. We're posting the beginning of our works, so you can tell us if we "catch your attention" within the first few pages, and it's your job to let us know if we did our job right--give us an honest, but polite, critique. Would you keep reading if you picked this up in a bookstore or library?

What I'm posting today isn't so much a "work in progress" since it's a complete and edited manuscript, but it is what I'm currently querying to agents. DEMON REINCARNATE is a YA urban fantasy novel, complete at 72,000 words. It is the first in a series titled, THE FOUR CHARMS, with the second novel completed as well. For more information and to read the back cover blurb, please click on the tab at the top of the page titled, "Demon Reincarnate." Below is the first 500 words. I hope you enjoy it and don't forget to click the link to Kristina's blog, so you can critique the pages of the other participants as well. By the way, if your critique is too long for the comment box, or you want to keep it private, you can email it to me at nocturnalreadings@gmail.com  Til Wednesday! ;-)

DEMON REINCARNATE
Chapter One:
               I searched the crowds’ faces for the demon in our midst. He was out there, and he was waiting for me. My posture slumped and my eyes watered just a little. I battled the burning taste of vomit at the back of my throat as his cold, black eyes locked with mine. What a completely unpredictable beginning.
The whole ordeal disgusted me; the echoing of Pomp and Circumstance, the sea of green robes, and the smell of teenage sweat. Though maybe, I was the only one who felt that way.
Anxiety built up in my chest and overwhelming adrenaline plagued me. I buried my face in my shaking hand and tried not to hyperventilate. Though my instinct at that moment weighed heavily on the flight option, the fight was still buried deep down in my gut, itching to get out. 
 The fight. A jolt of fear raced through me. I sat upright; my chest heaved in and out, while I attempted to catch my breath. I was definitely not okay.
            “Laura Deni.” The principal’s reedy voice carried throughout the center.
            God, why me? I shifted in my seat and fidgeted as I tried to ignore the screaming buffoon next to me, who found it necessary to break my left eardrum every time one of his friends crossed the stage. My whole body stiffened as I fought the urge to look at my family. I gritted my teeth. My resolve wouldn’t break. I wouldn’t show my fear.
            I inhaled a deep breath and squared my shoulders. Nothing would happen in a crowd full of people. Exposing the supernatural world for all to see, wouldn’t be his pick of poison.
            “Heather Lucier.” The principal called another student. 
            His smooth voice echoed in my ears. “You’ll need to come with me, Kat—”
            “Katriona McBain.” My name boomed through the loud speakers.
            I paused. Not his voice. The principal. My name sounded throughout the Ocean Center again.
            “Katriona McBain?”
            My stomach dropped and lodged itself between my toes as I envisioned a million different ways the moment could go wrong. I frowned. Really? I was being ridiculous. What was wrong with me? I chastised myself for worrying about my graduation ceremony while a demon sat next to my mother. Ridiculous.
            Without a second thought, I stood from my seat, walked through the rows of students and stepped onto the stage.  I shook the principal’s hand and received my diploma—no tripping, blushing or cheesy smiles included. The whole scenario passed by within seconds. Four years of sleepless nights studying for college warranted five seconds of tainted glory? Anti-climatic to say the least.
            I paused by the side of the stage. Depression lingered with my parents; I could tell from their strained grins. I forced a smile to return the rest of my family’s excitement. My hand trailed up to my throat as I waved. Goosebumps prickled across my arms as I ran my fingers over the crucifix dangling around my neck.

21 comments:

  1. really interesting premise! LOTS of showing not telling. You really put the reader in the body of the MC.
    The only thing that gave me pause: Though maybe, I was...
    I am not sure you need a comma there. I am not a grammar expert, in any way shape or form-- in reading the sentence, it tripped me up a little.
    Hope that's helpful. If not, throw it out the window. :0)

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  2. It's an interesting start, though for maximum attention grabbing, I would probably kick off with the second sentence rather than the first.

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  3. KO--Thank you! I'm glad you liked it. =D I think you're right about the comma. I will check on it. Thanks for the feedback!

    Stu--That's an interesting idea. I tried flipping the first two sentences and it does sound good that way. Not sure which I like better, so I'll debate on whether I want to change it or not. Thanks for the feedback!

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  4. Stopping by from CMIUC

    I liked what I read. I saw maybe one grammical error. In the names being called.
    “Laura Deni?”
    “Heather Lucier.”
    “Katriona McBain?”

    Not sure if your intention was to use a question mark or period?

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  5. Debra--Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it and thank you for pointing that out. I only meant to use a question mark for Katriona's name, since she didn't respond the first time they called her, so I'm glad you noticed that. I'll change it. Thanks for stopping by! =D

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  6. Woot! Just reached 200 followers! How exciting!

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  7. Hey sweets! Great premise--I love that the bad guy, a demon no less, shows up at a high school graduation. Here's my feedback/suggested rewording:

    The demon was out there, and he was waiting for me. The prickling of my scalp told me he'd found me in the sea of faces, but I couldn't... There! His cold, roiling black eyes locked with mine. My heart thundered; the acrid taste of vomit bit at the back of my throat. [Your first paragraph has a great starting point, but a rewording like this will get rid of the to be verbs and beginning sentences with pronouns that are currently common there]

    The whole ordeal disgusted me [telling] [; semicolons can only be used if the words on both sides of the semicolon are complete sentences; this should be an emdash] the echoing of Pomp and Circumstance, the sea of green robes, and the smell of teenage sweat. Though maybe, [no comma] I was the only one who felt that way.

    Anxiety built up [telling; does she feel pressure, difficulty breathing--those would be showing] in my chest and overwhelming adrenaline plagued me. I buried my face in my shaking hand and tried not to hyperventilate. Though my instinct at that moment weighed heavily on the flight option, the fight was still buried deep down in my gut, itching to get out.

    The fight. A jolt of fear raced through me. I sat upright; my chest heaved in and out, [no comma] while I attempted to catch my breath. I was definitely not okay [telling].

    After this, I thought you could speed up the pace between here and when she crosses the stage, because since nothing happens, it is kind of anticlimactic. Now, who knows, in the very next line he could spring at her, but there's a lot of build-up with the names and her internal dialogue and then she crosses the stage just fine. You always want to drop your reader in the middle of the action.

    You've got a great premise and start! And book 2's already done? Go you! Enjoyed!

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  8. Great premise. The opening line caught me. But I would have liked to be grounded in my setting sooner. I didn't realize I was a graduation ceremony until a few paragraphs in, and that time lapse left me a bit confused.
    And thanks for your comment on my 550 words. I found them helpful.

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  9. Laura--Thanks for the feedback! I'm glad you enjoyed it! You'll find this funny, the "bad guy" is actually the hero/love interest lol. He is definitely an anti-hero, a bad boy for sure, but in a delicious way lol. I'm glad he seems like the villain in the beginning though. And all good suggestions! I'm going to paste them into a Word document and see how I can incorporate them. Thanks!

    franklycreative--Thank you! I'm glad it caught you and I'm glad to hear that my feedback was helpful. Thank you for your suggestion! I think you have a good point.

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  10. There's something very Buffy about this opening -- and I'm a die-hard Buffy fan, so I'd totally keep reading.

    I love the set-up -- and there were moments when things clicked -- and others which felt more confused, when I wanted more clarity so I could better 'see' the scene.

    She can FEEL the demon first, it seems. Then she SEES him, but we don't have a chance to - I'd like to see him with her. I'd also like to know what it feels like to sense the presence of a demon before you even see him. And then seeing him next to her parents? That's huge -- I'd love to experience that with her too.

    Does that make any sense? Lead me (that is, the reader) through the scene more fully. Show me what you want me to see. I really really do want to see it!

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  11. Francesca--That is a big compliment! Thank you! I'm really glad you enjoyed it and you have a really good point! The reason I didn't have her describe why she feels that way is because she already knows he is there, it's not just a feeling that comes over her, if that makes any sense--you find out in the next few pages that he actually came to the ceremony with her lol. That is a very good point about the reader needing to see him though. Thank you for the feedback!

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  12. I want more. I'm such a fan of paranormal and you had me hooked with this unique set up.

    Thanks for posting, Natasha Hanova

    p.s. thanks for stopping by and commenting on my post.

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  13. Natasha--Yay! Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it! Paranormal is a favorite of mine too, obviously lol. I love anything paranormal or urban fantasy--especially if it's also YA. Thanks for stopping by!

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  14. Natasha--Also, please don't be disappointed that you didn't 'catch me,' I'm a super tough critic ;-)

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  15. This sounds good to me. I would keep reading.
    Thanks for sharing.
    HMG

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  16. Great start--I'm very interested by the premise.

    I was a little distracted by all the grammar errors--apostrophe error, comma splices, semicolon problems, etc.

    I liked your balance of telling and showing, and I would read on.

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  17. Heather--Thank you! I'm glad you liked it =D Thanks for stopping by!

    Heidi--Thank you! I'm glad you enjoyed it! I will check on the commas, apostrophes, etc. Thanks for the feedback and thanks for stopping by! =)

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  18. Super, super creepy. I couldn't figure out if this was high school or college, though, even with the line about 'four years.' Maybe I just need to reread it. :)

    I'm intrigued. Would definitely keep reading!

    Marie, http://marierearden.blogspot.com

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  19. Marie--Thank you! I'm glad you liked it! I can see where you could get confused about the high school versus college thing, because I say principal which is obviously high school, but then I say 'four years of sleepless nights studying for college.' I think instead I'll change it to 'four years of sleepless nights studying in preparation for college'. Thanks for the feedback! =D

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  20. Very creepy :)

    The writing is wonderful--very solid. We get a great feel for what the MC is feeling. And I just love your MC's voice!

    I do agree with the point Francesca raised. I'd love to "see" the demon with the MC. That's the only crit I can think to give.

    Otherwise, this is awesome! Thanks for sharing :)

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  21. Kristina--Thanks for stopping by! And thank you for hosting the blogfest! It's been great to get such nice feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed it! =D I definitely understand what you and Francesca mean about wanting to see the demon, and since more than one person has expressed this thought, I'm probably going to go back and add in some description of him. Thanks so much for the feedback! =D

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